Story by Scotty Gray.
Part 1: The Misconception.
I had a DJ service for over 40 years, over which time I played more than 1,500 wedding dances.
Looking back, I think of the statistic that says over half of all marriages in the United States have failed. That means that I have known over 1,500 couples, half of whom are probably now divorced.
Why is divorce such a normal part of our society? Many of those who have gone through the marriage/divorce situation can answer this question. Infidelity, abuse, abandonment. However, a new term became key, when speaking of divorce: “irreconcilable differences.”
This may sound “rhetorical,” but one must ask: “are you completely unable to reconcile with the person you once thought to be the answer to all your prayers?”
Here’s the picture: the radiant young bride stands before her soon to be husband, gazing tearfully into the eyes of that “answered prayer” groom. She thinks of all her incredible dreams and how he is going to assure that these dreams are realized. As the triumphant young groom stands before his “answered prayer” bride, he thinks of all his incredible dreams and how she is going to assure that these dreams are realized. One problem; his incredible dreams and her incredible dreams can be totally different…and the dreams become a nightmare as each is left unfulfilled, disappointed…and bitter.
The problem is most people think the purpose of marriage is to have their dreams fulfilled, but according to scripture, that’s completely backwards. Ephesians 5 says, “wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the lord. For the husband is the head of the wife.” It goes on with some pretty strong language as to the wife’s submission. So that’s the answer; wives do everything your husband tells you? Woo hoo, guys, we’ve got it made. But let’s continue: “husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her.” This admonition also continues, but the core point is in that sentence. How did Christ love the church? To death! He gave himself completely, to the point of torture and death for his bride. Gentlemen, if you were to completely dedicate yourself to satisfying your wife in every way, what do you think would be her response? It would most likely be, “my lord, my love, you have committed yourself so wholeheartedly to me, you have dedicated yourself to me so completely, how can I show my gratitude? Here, let me get you a pillow!” This is what God intended for marriage.
After 34 years, Laura and I still struggle to fulfill our roles as husband and wife, but we both knew, and still know, that when things get tough, the “d” word is not divorce, it’s deferring, it’s dedication, it’s devotion. I’m not telling Christians to continue in a destructive marriage, but when the tough times come in any relationship – as we know they will – during this “blink of an eye” journey– we can take God at his word when he said, “…in the world you will have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” Together, we will overcome.
Part 2: The Testimony.
Many years ago, my friend Robin, was engaged to a man 6 years her senior, whom she dated for 2 years. She came to realize this would not be a marriage based on love. She spoke with her father about her concerns. “Dad, I think I made a mistake. I don’t think I love him enough to spend the rest of my life with him.” Her dad said “sure you love him, honey”, and reassured her it was just nerves. Still uneasy and feeling like it wouldn’t last, she decided she’d better not disappoint everyone and go through with it. Shortly thereafter, while having lunch with her sister, Robin said of her pending marriage, if it didn’t work out, she could always get a divorce. Her sister told her that if Robin was considering divorce as an option before even getting married, than there was a serious flaw in her understanding of the marriage commitment. Robin decided to end the engagement.
A few years later, after working as a fast-food restaurant manager, she joined the Air Force. She met a young man, Rick, and got married with a completely different attitude. Robin left the military to become a “stay at home mom” for their three kids, when Rick got stationed in England.
One day, Robin was visited by the military police, informing her that her husband had been sexually harassing women, using his office phone on base. He was court martialed and placed in military prison in England. This meant Robin and her three small children would have to return to Green Bay, where she grew up. She returned to food service management and did the “single parent” bit. After his release, Rick joined his family in Green Bay. Within 6 months, Robin was visited by police detectives, informing her that Rick had repeated his former crimes. A plea deal was made, and Rick wouldn’t have to serve prison time.
Robin rejoined the Air Force, and the family moved to the West Coast. We stayed in touch during this period, and I was impressed with her dedication to her husband, family, and her marriage. We spoke every few months and she shared her journey. One time, I called and asked how things were going. I braced for the worst when she began to reply, “oh, Scott…” “I could not have asked for a better husband and father.” Rick and their son were active in the church band and the whole family was strong in their relationship with God. The woman who once thought that divorce was a reasonable option, committed herself to a Godly principal that has served her well for over 40 years; even though the historic brokenness of her husband’s soul did eventually cause him to walk away from his commitment.
Not long ago, Robin remarried and continues to commit herself to her husband as she did in her first marriage.
When communicating with Robin about sharing her story, she sent me this note: “God is a God of Restoration. What the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy (marriages, family, etc.) God comes and breathes new life and uses our pain to help others. 7½ years ago, I remarried and now, along with my husband, facilitate a divorce care ministry in our church helping others heal from the pain of divorce.
Editor’s note:
God doesn’t waste any of our life experiences.
We can allow our adversities to destroy us or they can become our greatest triumph.
Romans 8:28
And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.
Robin and her husband found their purpose.
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